Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Aftermath

After last week's exciting posts, I'm sure you all are wondering: "How did it go?" Did Robert laugh or cry? Did the motion detector detect any motion? How many fish survived? Did the neighbor call the cops about the sign? How does a bullion shower smell? Did the Jello in the toilet ever set up? How about the alarm clocks? And how about Julie? Did she ask for an annulment after seeing what her in-laws can do?

Unfortunately, the answer to these questions remain concealed. Expecting a Sunday evening phone call, I had left the ladder strapped to the top of the minivan (made for some interesting looks at church). But no phone call came. Monday after work, there had still been no phone call. Something WAS FISHY. I called Amy, since Robert and Casey work together. Amy said she heard that it was all cleaned up when Robert got home.

CLEANED UP?? How could this be. I decided to put in a call to Robert himself and see what he had to say. He said he arrived home and the house had been thoroughly cleaned. He said there wasn't a decoration, a fish, a BB, a light, or anything in the sinks or toilets. The only things he saw were the sign on the garage and the sign way up high on the condo outside. The inside was completely clean. He said only one alarm clock (the one in the heater vent) was not found before they went to sleep. "I don't know, I guess the Milar's came and cleaned it up," he said.

I was floored. Who could have done this? What kind of person would dare interfere with in these sensitive family matters? Who did the Milar's think they were anyway?

I told Robert I was really disappointed he didn't get to see a few of the things and moved on to call Mark, Bryce and Karen and tell them what I had heard. While talking to Bryce and Karen, it dawned on me that it would have taken a small army (and one willing to flush innocent fish to their deaths) to undo all the doings quick enough that the interior of the condo was spotless by the time Robert arrived back at 3 PM. This was just not possible. Especially if you consider that it was Sunday, and the Milar's would be at church before ever going to Provo. Something WAS FISHY.

I called my dad and asked for his help. We needed to know if the Milar's were really in on a quick clean up job or not. I asked Dad to call Gordon Milar and find out if they had taken down the decorations. I even proposed he start with a little confrontational statement like "I don't know who you think you are interfering in family matters, but . . . ." Dad declined. I offered other alternatives which were not quite so offensive, but he wasn't really interested in getting involved at all. Fine. I would take matters in my own hands.

At 8:30 or so on Monday night, I called the Milar home. Due to the sensitive nature of the conversations which ensued, requests for anonymity and in an effort to protect the innocent, I cannot reveal the conversations which ensued. But my suspicions were confirmed. ROBERT WAS LYING.

I quickly called the rest of the siblings who were elated to learn that all had not been lost. Robert had seen our "decorations." In fact, he might still be discovering more decorations as we talked. Jubilant spirits returned.

We have heard little or nothing from Robert since Monday. Our lives go on with curiosity as to what happened last Sunday. The questions largely remain unanswered. Gradually certain things have leaked back to the family from other sources (which shall also remain anonymous), confirming that Robert indeed found the house just as we had intended.

Robert's nonacknowledgement of our love, however, is troubling. Various ideas have circulated:
1) Should we kidnap him, put him in a black room with bright lights and slowly dripping water and make him admit his deceptive lies?
2) Should we persist in fake anger against the wonderful Milars? Should we overdramatize how upset we are and begin telling Robert about fake plots to seek revenge?
3) Should we simply repeat the operation the next time Robert leaves town, so that he will get to see the "decorations" this time?
4) Should we employ OPERATION HUMILITY, launching a rolling wave of increasingly traumatic attacks until he comes begging on bended knee for relief? Attacks that might involve cars, employers, taxation entities, honor code comittees, fake newspapers, etc.? Attacks so big, so visible, that he cannot continue to deny our love for him?

These and other questions will be discussed in family councils in the days and weeks to come. It is our sincere desire that Robert repent of his pride, humbly acknowledge our creation of Justice through Jello and our Greatness in Goldfish, and be readmitted to the family council.

I called and invited Robert and Julie to join Mark and me for pizza and the BYU game tonight. We'll have to see if he changes his line at all.